Today I just feel full of restless energy. I am sick of my main teaching job, which I will soon be leaving (I hope). And I had a strange and not very productive night of tutoring. Nothing dramatic, just not enjoyable and not particularly successful or gratifying.
I just want to cut out all the stupid annoying stuff in life and just do the good stuff. I'm sure most people feel the same :-) I don't want to waste my time doing mentally draining, depressing or stressful work when there is better stuff out there. I had such a great weekend at my new job, I don't want to wait until Saturday to have that experience again! I really want to try and be a good teacher, and I want to be in an environment where I can really do my best and learn to do my job properly. And I want to enjoy myself at the same time!
I have just gotten so caught up in worry and always thinking about teaching; feeling anxious and stressed and obsessing about my job, and whatever. I know that the problem exists in the way I am perceiving all of this, the way I'm worrying about my own success or failure, the expectations I have about the job, the students, my role as a teacher, etc. I just don't know how to detach myself from all this worry, all these thoughts that keep swirling around in my mind.
Today, all I want is for me and Richie to pack our bags and just hit the road. I want to forget about all the stress, all the worry, and go out and feel alive again. I'm sick of buying into the whole idea that I am defined by my job, and especially by my own interpretation of 'success' or 'failure' in that job. I'm not actually failing at my job at all, but I just have this nagging, irrational fear of failure about the whole thing.
I want to be on a bus, with all my worldly possessions packed into a rucksack, a good pair of shoes on my feet and a map, and just head for the horizon, some place I've never been before. I want to shake the dust off my feet, forget about the rat race and go live it up in the big wide world, meeting people, enjoying the amazing things in life, seeing beautiful places, walking out in the wilderness, seeing the sun come up, sleeping soundly, hearing birds sing...
Maybe this is just my after-5pm cappuccino talking. Maybe its the fact that I'm a nature loving person trapped in a huge, busy, polluted city. Maybe I'm meant to be some kind of crazy wandering gypsy type person roaming the earth, instead of trying to climb up the career ladder. Or maybe its just past my bedtime and I'm delirious. All I know is that one half of my brain is certain that a person is more than their job title, that life is about more than the things you can write in your resume, that people and relationships and experiences are what life is all about, but that isn't getting through to the other half of my brain at the moment.
Anyway, all I can really do is try to get a good night sleep and let this internal warfare play itself out in its own time. But in the meantime, I'm gonna think rebellious thoughts!