Sick

I have a cold.

I am sleepy.

I want soup.

I'm feeling rebellious!

Well, as you may have noticed, I am like a yoyo in terms of my emotional status, opinion of teaching, my ability to cope with life in general! Its all crazy, and I completely acknowledge that.

Today I just feel full of restless energy. I am sick of my main teaching job, which I will soon be leaving (I hope). And I had a strange and not very productive night of tutoring. Nothing dramatic, just not enjoyable and not particularly successful or gratifying.

I just want to cut out all the stupid annoying stuff in life and just do the good stuff. I'm sure most people feel the same :-) I don't want to waste my time doing mentally draining, depressing or stressful work when there is better stuff out there. I had such a great weekend at my new job, I don't want to wait until Saturday to have that experience again! I really want to try and be a good teacher, and I want to be in an environment where I can really do my best and learn to do my job properly. And I want to enjoy myself at the same time!

I have just gotten so caught up in worry and always thinking about teaching; feeling anxious and stressed and obsessing about my job, and whatever. I know that the problem exists in the way I am perceiving all of this, the way I'm worrying about my own success or failure, the expectations I have about the job, the students, my role as a teacher, etc. I just don't know how to detach myself from all this worry, all these thoughts that keep swirling around in my mind.

Today, all I want is for me and Richie to pack our bags and just hit the road. I want to forget about all the stress, all the worry, and go out and feel alive again. I'm sick of buying into the whole idea that I am defined by my job, and especially by my own interpretation of 'success' or 'failure' in that job. I'm not actually failing at my job at all, but I just have this nagging, irrational fear of failure about the whole thing.

I want to be on a bus, with all my worldly possessions packed into a rucksack, a good pair of shoes on my feet and a map, and just head for the horizon, some place I've never been before. I want to shake the dust off my feet, forget about the rat race and go live it up in the big wide world, meeting people, enjoying the amazing things in life, seeing beautiful places, walking out in the wilderness, seeing the sun come up, sleeping soundly, hearing birds sing...

Maybe this is just my after-5pm cappuccino talking. Maybe its the fact that I'm a nature loving person trapped in a huge, busy, polluted city. Maybe I'm meant to be some kind of crazy wandering gypsy type person roaming the earth, instead of trying to climb up the career ladder. Or maybe its just past my bedtime and I'm delirious. All I know is that one half of my brain is certain that a person is more than their job title, that life is about more than the things you can write in your resume, that people and relationships and experiences are what life is all about, but that isn't getting through to the other half of my brain at the moment.

Anyway, all I can really do is try to get a good night sleep and let this internal warfare play itself out in its own time. But in the meantime, I'm gonna think rebellious thoughts!

BEST DAY EVER! ( I know I've said that before, but this day was really amazing.)

Today was fantastic. I knew that teaching could be enjoyable and rewarding!

This morning I started new classes at a new language school. Actually, Richie got hired there first and also gave them my CV. So we both started there today. It was strange and very nice to be working in rooms next door to each other and then heading home together on the metro.

Anyway, I had two one-to-one classes. Both were lovely. I had classes with two women, both about my age, I think. Since it was our first lesson, and they both are really keen to get more comfortable in everyday communication, we just talked and talked. It was nice.

I especially loved talking with my second student of the day. She is Armenian, and I learned so much during our conversation. In case you don't know, Armenians were an important minority in the Ottoman Empire. They were significant in trade, and I think, in administrative positions in the government, and played an important role in Ottoman society. Now, there are very few Armenians left in Istanbul, or Turkey, for that matter. Many have emigrated to various parts of Europe and America, and there is also Armenia the Country, which is where, presumably, many Armenians live.

So, basically this three hour class was me and this lovely woman talking about culture, travel, Armenian and Turkish culture, religion, marriage, family, children, etc. She showed me Armenian script, which is a form of writing unlike anything else I've ever seen. She taught me how to say some basics in Armenian (I have obviously forgotten those already), and since Armenians are Christians, she is going to give me directions to a place where I can get a Christmas tree! So exciting.

It was crazy to have a day at work where I just felt like I made new friends. And the school itself has a lovely manager/co-owner. And its in a great location and a nice old building. I think this is going to be a pretty good job. I'm so happy about it.

I really can't wait to go to work again tomorrow afternoon and talk with my lovely student again! I am so interested in learning more about Armenian culture as the weeks go by! So cool. It is so rewarding and encouraging to know that there really are nice teaching jobs out there.

A good but exhausting day

I'm absolutely wrecked tired, so I'll keep this short and to the point.

Got up at 6.30 am. Took Metro to Taksim Square. Met a friend and waited for our driver to pick us up. Went to Security Department office to collect my residence visa. Waited for about an hour or so, so friend could get some paperwork done to get her residence visa.

Went back to Levent, and drank coffee. Talked about politics, world travel, culture, quality of life in various countries, etc. Went to get the service 'bus' to go to college to teach for five consecutive hours.

Taught for five very long hours.

Went to Besiktas for job interview. Had no idea where the school was.

I go into a random shop and say 'pardon' and point to an address on an email from the school. A very nice Turkish man walks me to the language school. This probably takes about 20 minutes and we talk using random words of English and Turkish. I shake his hand and say 'cok iyi!' and 'cok tesekkur ederim' which means 'very good!' and 'thanks very much!' He seems happy to be helpful and I am amazed that a stranger left his cup of tea and friends to walk me all over the place. Turkish people are great.

Had strange meandering 'interview' sort of thing. A teacher at the language school didn't show up for classes. I am asked to 'teach' the class for an hour or so. No preparation. Mental.

I stumble through a conversation class with students I've never met before. We talk about Top 10 Places to Visit in Turkey, and I receive a geography lesson. We also talk about Utopia to fill up time. I survive for about 57 minutes of class and let the students loose.

I am basically given a job and promised an email with a prospective schedule. Lovely. Will start this weekend. Went out to dinner with Richie and a couple of friends, had a drink and now its 12.30am. I have to wake up at 8-9 and plan for a full day of teaching and private lesson.

Not a bad day.

A turn of events....

Well, my last post was less than cheerful, but I think in the course of the last 24 hours there has been some good news. Or at least some potential for good news.

One happy thing is that Richie has found more work! He'll still have a few hours a week at his current job, but he's starting some one-to-one English lessons through another language school this coming weekend. We're not sure of the details yet, but he should have a fairly full teaching schedule once all of that gets started. And that is AMAZING news, indeed. I think we'll finally be in better financial standing, and I can stop stressing out about the money situation.

On another positive note, I have two schools to call today about potential work. I'm not sure what hours they are looking to fill or whatever, but still. I will be very happy to have some alternative teaching work sorted out, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that at least one of these jobs works out. Hopefully I'll have some news this evening.

So, that's it really. Richie has gone to get some eggs and I'm going to cook up some big, fat vegetable omelets soon. Ah, he's here!!! Food!!!

It was a tough week, but I made it through!

Well, its been an 'interesting' and exhausting week, but I survived.

The good news is that I started some evening tutoring with an 11 year old Turkish/Spanish girl. I met her mother a week ago at the meditation group a friend and I started, and she asked if I could do some intensive English tutoring with her daughter. Its good pay, and it should be fairly enjoyable work, so I'm happy about that. It also takes off some of the financial pressure we've been under, so I think now we'll be able to take a sigh of relief, at least for the moment.

It was a particularly busy and stressful week though, and I'm pretty tired today. I don't like to sound all negative or anything, but I'm really feeling the strain of all this new living experience and the stress of teaching. I feel like I've been through a bit of an emotional whirlwind for the past month or so. The teaching job I have is quite challenging, and it really isn't what I expected. Class sizes are huge, students have very little motivation, resources are scarce and there isn't very good support for teachers. And unfortunately, the university I work for seems more interested in making money than providing quality education for students. With the cut in hours and pay that happened a couple of weeks into my 'contract', I'm earning very little money in comparison to the number of hours I'm working, and in comparison to the wages offered by other language schools in the city.

I don't know what to think of it all. I guess no matter where we went, I would probably feel this way at some stage. It is difficult to live in a place where you can't speak the language and communicate easily with most of the people you meet. I think adjusting to a different culture and way of life is always difficult, but I also know that its a valuable experience, even if it doesn't always feel like it. I'm trying to stay as open minded as possible during this emotionally trying time, and to use this as an opportunity to better understand what life is like for other people in the world. So many people in the world have to leave their homes in search of work, better opportunities for themselves and their families, to escape all types of disasters, persecution and suffering. They don't always have a choice in the matter, and they have to go through all the trials of adapting to life in a new country, learning new customs and cultures, struggling to learn new languages while trying to make a living. And often they are treated poorly in the countries where they relocate, facing racism, prejudice and lots of uncertainty and financial insecurity. It must be so difficult to cope with so much change and challenge. And many don't have the option of returning home because things are too hard in their new country.

Richie and I chose to come here, and this is only for a year or so. We know we can eventually return home and settle down into good jobs and have our old life back, more or less. We also get to look forward to some travel and adventure in the summer. Even though we don't have tons of money at the moment, we're not really in really bad financial trouble. And we know that if for some reason, things don't work out, we can return home and we have family and friends to help us. I realize how lucky we are. I am dealing with just a tiny fraction of the difficulty that many other people face every day, and my heart goes out to all the people in the world who are trying to survive and cope in a new place, facing difficult odds, and who don't have any other choice.

Well, on another note entirely, I should have my residence permit sorted out this week. That will be one less thing to worry about and it will mean I won't have to do a 'visa run' once every three months.

I think this year, at least until June when my job is finished, will be hard work, and we won't really be able to do much travelling or anything, since Richie's working weekends at the moment and I'm working the other five days of the week, but I've decided that to help me get through it, I'm going to really plan for about a month of travelling around Turkey and maybe some of Greece, Bulgaria, Croatia, etc., when my job is finished. I really want to get out there and see some of this amazing country. Having that goal in mind should help me stay positive throughout the next six months or so.

A horrible, long day looming ahead...

Well, tomorrow I am supposed to get my residency visa. That sounds great.

The bad part is that I have to wake up practically in the middle of the night, get the metro at about 6am, and travel about an hour to the language school headquarters to be picked up by a driver who will then take me to the Security Department office or something. Then I may wait around there for any length of time: 5 minutes, hour and hours, who knows? to get my visa sorted out. Then will I travel the hour back home, or just hang around waiting for my afternoon of teaching for 5 hours followed by 2 hours of private tutoring?

I won't get home until around 9.30 or 10pm. Long day. At the moment, I think I'm about to lose my mind thinking about it. I know its only Wednesday, but I am so, SO looking forward to the weekend. Sigh.